*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
smh
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat