DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”