Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots