ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.