(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read