LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
felt that
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
What fresh Hell is this?!?