I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
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Close call…
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Order here:
More here:
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes