If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
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What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
the dark web is just a goth google.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”