I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
only 11 steps left
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.