The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
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My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?