Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
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*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Beauty and the Beast
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I should have stayed in kindergarten.