“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
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[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Interior design 👌
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing