I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
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First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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