Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?