Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
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The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
#gardening
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
How do you milk an almond?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer