Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates