I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.