What about a To-Don’t List?
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I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.