Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Harsh but fair
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
then why did i get this email
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan