My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I think they could have phrased this better
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time