genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
every college guy’s fridge
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*