Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.