me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ibopfufen
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.