My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
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Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys