me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
the red hot silly peppers
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
The biggest mystery of our time
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If only.