Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You Might Also Like
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
c’mon!
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Girl, same.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.