My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
marvel comics have peaked
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.