A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
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Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Kids: Stay in school.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few