16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.