*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
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Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
are there any atheist mantises?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
kids play hide and seek like