I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*