Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I have many caverns
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*