This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Beauty and the Beast
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
what’s really going on