We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Facebook memories be like
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’ve had worse
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.