Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”