“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
my name if I was in the mob
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back