cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Oh my god
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*