Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.