It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.