Autocorrect is my menesis
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Thursday
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
What
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo