He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I occasionally drink every single night.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.