Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Customize Your Wedding.