Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it