I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
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Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date