PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.