First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Wake me when AI does housework
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?