[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I want what they have
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.