Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
You Might Also Like
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
omg leave her alone
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap