This is from an actual conversation 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Scientist: We don鈥檛 really know exactly how that happens. They鈥檙e performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Who.
Did.
This?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Marriage may be hard but at least you don鈥檛 have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Please, my pastrami on rye. It鈥檚 very sick.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I鈥檝e been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren鈥檛 even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.