There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Perfect